Improve your communication by having the courage to say how you really feel today

Back at the start of the pandemic the isolation of remote working was a bit of a shock. I went through a whole cycle of emotions a bit like the grief cycle.

Around this time I became aware of the importance of going the extra mile when answering the question “How are you?” at the start of any 1–2–1 meeting.

Up until this point in my life I had replied with “Great thanks, you?” To which the other person usually replied with “Ye, good.”

I probably wasn’t “Great” and I also expect my colleague was not just “good”.

I started trying a bit harder with my answer. It went something like this;

Other person: How are you?
Me: Great thanks, it’s a lovely day here and I’ve just had a really nice cup of coffee so all is good.

To my surprise the same pattern emerged. Like before, the person I was speaking to would reflect back at me a similar sentiment;

Other person: “Ye, I’m good. It’s raining here but it was nice yesterday. We have a coffee machine so I’ve just had a Nespresso…”

After further rumination I learned I didn’t really know how to name my feelings. The only labels I had in my vocabulary were great, good, bad, happy, sad, OK.

After some research, I came across The Feeling Wheel, a circle that at the centre has “core” or basic emotions (emotions that are more easily identified or expressed) and more complex or “secondary” emotions on the outer edge.

There are various different versions online. This is a link to the one I use.

I printed it out, stuck it on my wall and came up with my own version of how to use it. It goes something like this:

Other person: How are you?
Me: Good question.
[I notice that I’m not even aware of how I feel]
Me: One minute…

I push back my desk chair on wheels and glide across to the wall behind me. I think about what I’m feeling whilst looking at the wheel. Sometimes narrating out loud as I go along. I usually feel more than one thing at a time.

When I’ve identified my feelings I drag myself and my chair back to the desk and a whole new conversation unfolds.

Side note: Sometimes people are a bit taken a-back by your authenticity. They find it very uncomfortable and will try to take the conversation elsewhere, usually denying their own feelings in the process. This is not a reflection on you. We are all on our own journey.

Most of the time, the conversation follows the same model as before. The person I’m speaking to reflects back at me a similar behaviour to the one I displayed. They talk about what’s really going on for them and we learn something new about each other.

And from that point our communication goes a bit deeper:
• We listen to each other better
• We co-operate with each other more
• We share actions and responsibilities

Discovering how to connect better with colleagues has hugely improved my happiness and makes my job more enjoyable. It also really helps with remote working as a lot of our body language is hidden from view and therefore knowing how another person is feeling is even more hidden.

Naming your feelings takes courage, but if you do you will reach a whole new level of communication built on trust, authenticity and emotional connection.

Give it a try.

Finally, if you want to work on your communication I am looking for people to participate in coaching as part of my professional coaching accreditation with Grant Thornton LLP & BPP University.

Register your interest via this form and I will be in touch.